My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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