I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
