Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
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