my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
