i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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