All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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