The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
