is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
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