The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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