my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
