I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
