I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
