I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Randomize
