Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
