So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
accomplished twins. life is a go
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
