Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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