Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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