And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
