i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
