dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
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It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
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I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
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