UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
