mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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