Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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