I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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