Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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