I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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