We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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