i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
