Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
