So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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