a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
foreskin is a definite game changer
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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