I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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