If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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