covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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