you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
