He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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