If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Randomize
