Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
