My underwear smells like fireworks.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
