So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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