dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
