I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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