i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
