and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
