So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
