True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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