just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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