Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
