Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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