You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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