So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
