i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
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