Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
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