I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
