you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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