i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
